my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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