I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
