just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
