She is in my trunk
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
