I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
This is classic penis vs brain.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The Olympian is in my bed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
