Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
