Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
