You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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