i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
