so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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