Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
