Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
