i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
