i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
