best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
