why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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