i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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