We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
