just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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