You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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