If i could tip my vagina, i would.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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