What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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