the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
