he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
