i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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