oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
