My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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