I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
