that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
