Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
it was like eating out sand paper
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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