Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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