Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
