if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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