They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
