I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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