apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
love makes seman taste better
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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