On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
