you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
