Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
