I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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