My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm both gender and math confused
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
