if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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