I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
