I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
