So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
