i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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