Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
