i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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