You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
