I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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