Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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