Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
