Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
did i just pee glitter
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
