Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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