You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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