I'm so fucking centered right now
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
