We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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