I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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