I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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