Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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